Inspiration

"right now i want a word that describes the feeling that you get-a cold sick feeling, deep down inside-when you know something is happening that will change you, and you don't want it to, but you can stop it. and you know, for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. and that you will never again quite be the same person you were."

-A Northern Light by Jennifer Donnelly 

it has just ended up being one of those weeks where all you want to do is curl up in bed and forget the world. forget about growing up. forget about everything. i rarely have these moments, but it seems that when it happens, it hits hard. i'm not big on crying, i hate it. i feel uncomfortable when other people cry and i'm not very good with it. i don't know how to comfort them the right way, so i usually just say something funny or try and help them feel a little better. for some reason i just couldn't shake whatever funk i was in. may it be pre-pms (i know that's an excuse for girls when they get over emotional but hey i need some reasoning here..) maybe it was from lack of sleep. maybe it was from missing so many people at once. people who are away from me. whatever it may have been i had a sentimental moment with myself and fought back the tears. that is until last night. it was late, midnight to be exact and i had to get up early to work and i was just frustrated and tired. i was running around downstairs like a chicken with it's head cut off looking for a shoe. a simple shoe. the match to a shoe. my baby cousin's shoe to be exact. i had found it earlier that day and then it evaporated  once again. i was in distress mode and could feel myself getting tense and didn't know why. my mom came in to make sure i was going to bed and found me crying. simply broke down crying. i hate it. the last time i really cried i felt like i was going crazy. (mary and channing know this story best) i was at a Harry Potter Party and I won't go into the details...but i embarrassed myself beyond belief and was a mess. a complete and total mess. curled up with my cousins dog crying. little black rivers running down my face (the rare occasion i decided to wear makeup and it's all over the place.) anyway i realized why i was in such a funk. i was sleep deprived yes. stressed yes. lonely? yes. but all in all i was feeling a lack of inspiration. a lack of good songs, of that feeling you get when you hear a song. you know the emotions. i'm sorry this is a jumble of a blog post and it is crazy but i needed to just write it all out. anyway i stumbled upon my BEST friend Mary's Blog and i read through it as i usually do before i go to bed. and as my room mate last fall she always gave me great songs. she didn't fail me in the slightest. at the end of her blog was the inspiration songs i needed. now i have songs to paint to. i guess in strange ways, and i can't believe i'm saying this. prayers are answered sometimes in the utmost simple ways.

on a happy note, i can't wait for my girl scout samoa cookies to come in. delishhh.